A Husband's Experience

I'm writing this because I thought it could help other couples rekindle their relationships.  First off, this is anonymous because I realize that the content might be perceived as weird or non-traditional by some.  With that said, the surprising success of the methods discussed here have truly put the passion and fun back into our relationship, both physically and otherwise.

We met in our junior years of college and started dating shortly thereafter.  By all accounts our relationship was normal.  We dated, hung out with friends and got along really well.  Our sex life was what I assume was normal and good.  We got engaged shortly after college, moved in together, and got married about 6 months later.  

From there, life went as I think it's supposed to go.  We bought a house, had two children, and progressed in our careers.  I am a mortgage broker and she is an elementary school teacher.  Life was busy, but it was good.  Several years passed, and life was still good, but it can wear a person down.  

I gained some weight, probably drank a little too much, and didn't exercise like I should have.  She was fairly healthy, but also seemed tired and unenthusiastic about day-to-day life.  

The other reason that this is anonymous is that I also developed a masturbation habit.  This wasn't happening all the time, but it was sort of another world I could escape to.  My wife didn't know anything about it, but it was a cause for shame and some depression on my end.  Maybe more importantly, it also took my attention off of my wife and sucked some of the passion out of our relationship.  Don't get me wrong, we still had sex one or two times a week, and that was good; however, the passion and interest that was once there didn't seem to be.  

My wife's name is Danielle and she has a friend named Jennifer.  They would sometimes go out to dinner and talk about life and their relationships with their husbands.  On one such occasion, Danielle mentioned to Jennifer that I had gained weight and seemed depressed.  Jennifer proceeded to explain to Danielle what seems to basically be her philosophy on men and relationships in general.  

As she saw it, whether they know it or not, men are driven by their sex drive.  When they are younger, they are often in better shape, more motivated, and more engaged romantically.  In this era of their lives, they may achieve a lot, meet their wife, and are likely to be more emotionally accessible.  This way of being is driven by their urge to please and be loved by a woman they aren't able to have at any time they want.  In short, the hunt is what motivates and drives a man.  

She explained that once a man has a woman, he has no need to hunt.  Further, he is not allowed to hunt for other women.  However, due to a man's nature, he will constantly lust for a woman to hunt.  This leads married men to often develop masturbation habits wherein they lust after other women. This is dangerous in several ways.  It depletes a man's desire for his wife.  It also causes the man to feel shame and lowers his sense of self-worth.  Moreover, this false and simulated hunt does not require achievement.  All the benefits of a man's fundamental drive are depleted.  

In Jennifer's opinion, this does not necessarily apply to all men; however, it does to a great many.  The typical man that is this way may be very smart, kind, outgoing, and generally a good person.  I consider myself a good person.  However, l must admit, I lack my own discipline.  With some discipline, I can achieve a lot.  Without it, I'm a bit lazy and generally unmotivated.  

Opposites often attract, and these type of men often end up with highly assertive, motivated women -- alpha women. The often laid back nature of many of these men is probably one of the reasons the alpha woman was attracted to him in the first place.  However, this man's undisciplined nature can also be a source of frustration.  

So, the idea that Jennifer ultimately conveyed is that, in many relationships, there should be no secret orgasms.  There should be no masturbation and secret porn sex life.  

Many women simply don't masturbate, and having the husband as the center of the wife's sex world is no problem for them.  This is simply not the case for most men. It's not their fault.  They simply cannot help themselves.  

Jennifer's belief was that this hunt should not cease to exist for men when they get married.  The wife should insist on a policy of no masturbation.  This means that the he only gets an orgasm with her.  Moreover, his ability to have an orgasm should be earned.  It should be tied to objective achievements.

The truth is if, at least it was for me, if I took my wife's advice in most matters, I would be happier and healthier.  She knows this and I,  if I'm being honest, know it as well.  

So, after this conversation with Jennifer, my wife said she wanted to talk to me about something.  She sat down and told me what Jennifer had said.  She said she wasn't expecting me to admit to masturbating regularly, but wanted to try something new.  She asks me to commit to not masturbating.  She also asked me to agree to let her decide when I was allowed to have an orgasm.  She said that we would come up with a list of achievements or behaviors that could lead to a reward of an orgasm.  This included changes to my diet, exercise, quitting smoking, and drinking less.  

I was a bit shocked by all this initially, but I had to admit a couple of things.  First, I wanted to have more discipline.  I wanted to be healthier both for myself and for my family.  Also, quite frankly, the idea kind of turned me on a bit.  I'm not sure why, but this seemed like an exciting game we could play.  So, I agreed to try it for a month.  

That conversation occurred nearly two years ago, and we're are still playing this little game.  I have lost 25 pounds, quit smoking, only drink a little socially now, and I exercise at least 4 days per week.  I look and feel better than I have in years.  The best part is that Danielle and I are like high school sweethearts madly in love with one another.  Before we started this little game, we never just sat on the couch and made out.  We had sex, but never just held each other.  Now, we do it constantly.  Now, our physical passion for one another isn't just about the end result.  She says she is happier than ever.  She used to be stressed out because of my somewhat unhealthy lifestyle.  Now, my healthy lifestyle puts a smile on her face.  

Also, although my orgasms are limited, she has more orgasms than ever.  We didn't engage in oral sex too much previously, so that was a change, but it was a good one.  As weird as it sounds, she really didn't like receiving oral sex.  She had to learn to like it and boy has she.  I'm so hot for her that I practically beg to give her oral on an almost daily basis.  She has become my sexual fantasy.  Most men don't get to live with their sexual fantasy, but I do.  It's honestly amazing.

Other benefits include I am happy to help out around the house more.  It's not just about earning an orgasm.  It's really about the fact that I feel closer to her than I have in years and I want us to work as the best team we can.  Honestly, changing our sex life like this was one of the best decisions we have ever made.  

I also realize that if you Google this topic, you will find a bunch of really kinky weird fetish topics.  That is not what it is about for us.  Don't get me wrong, our sex life is better than ever, but ultimately, it's about being as close as we can and living our healthiest and happiest lives.  It works.